Sleep

One of the first changes that came with pregnancy for me was a change in my sleep pattern. I used to be the up late, sleep late kind of person. But immediately, my body started to prepare me for being up with a baby. I slept lighter, having to get up every few hours to pee or eat a little snack. As my belly grew I was constantly tossing and turning. Sometimes waking up to the feeling of the little person inside kicking or moving. Restless nights and early mornings and yet I was still able to function pretty well...although I was overwhelmingly tired at times. And then Elliott arrived. I didn't sleep for days. Too scared to close my eyes. I just wanted to stare at him. Watch him breathe. I thought I might never sleep again and I was ok with that.  He slept so peacefully. His little belly barely moving up and down with each breath. Eventually, my eyes grew too heavy to stay awake any longer and I felt safe letting myself sleep knowing Elliott was close by. Now, our sleep is almost synchronized at night. He barely squirms next to me, gives out the slightest noise, and I am awake..sometimes just barely...but awake and ready to care for him. Sometimes he needs to eat, needs a diaper change, a hand on his belly or arm, his binky back in, or a quiet shhhhh. And then we're back to sleep. If only for a few hours for now.

Safety

I just finished reading an article called The Science of Attachment about attachment theory and bonding. "Attachment theory is based on the belief that the mother-child bond is the essential and primary force in infant development, and thus forms the basis of coping, negotiation of relationships, and personality development." From the moment I found out I was pregnant,  I felt this primal instinct to protect my little baby. I changed my diet, cut out caffeine, stopped smoking immediately, started yoga, and did everything I could to make sure that I was healthy and in turn making sure my baby was healthy. Before his birth, I knew that I wanted Elliott to remain close to me at all times while we were in the hospital and made this a very important part of my birth plan. And for these first 11 weeks, I have done my best to keep Elliott close to me, adopting an attached parenting lifestyle. My instincts just told me that this was the right thing to do. I love being able to keep him safe and help him feel safe by carrying him close to me in a sling or wrap, breastfeeding him on demand, and co-sleeping with him. I love the feeling it gives me to care for him and meet his needs, providing him with the foundation for a healthy and safe lifestyle.

Smiles

Elliott has been smiling so much lately. I started noticing his smiles when he was about one month old. They might have been just gas, but I believed they were on purpose and just for me. Now I am sure though, his smiles are purposeful and a reaction to pure joy. He smiles when his eyes focus on my face. He smiles when I lay him in his crib and I turn the knob on his mobile to make his "guys" turn. He smiles at my mom and my dad when they come into the room and say hi to him. He smiles at his bird sticker on the wall by his changing table and the Snoopy doll who leans down from the shelf above it. Sometimes when he smiles he makes a laughing sound. There is nothing that can brighten a room, warm my heart, and make me feel true love like the smile on the face of a happy baby. My happy baby.

Yoga

Today Elliott and I went to yoga. I started going when I was around 12 weeks pregnant and fell in love with it. I am certain that practicing yoga while pregnant was beneficial in so many ways. It was an hour and a half where I could focus all of my positive energy on the little person growing inside me. It was also a time for me to consciously relax my body and feel almost weightless as I focused on my breathing and controlling my muscles. After the Tuesday morning prenatal class, the new moms would always be waiting outside with their babies for the mommy and me class to start. I would look at them and try to imagine what it would be like to take my own baby to mommy and me yoga, what I would look like standing there with my baby. For all those weeks, it seemed so far off. And then two weeks ago, there I was. Managing a wiggly baby, my backpack and my yoga mat. It was so surreal to be there with him....and minus my big big belly. I was worried about whether he would cry the whole time. But he loved it. I know he recognized some of the music from his CD at home. He lay quietly wiggling on the end of my mat as I focused my breath and did the class. Today was our third time going and he was so amazing. He makes me proud and amazes me every day. I stared down at him and couldn't help but laugh out loud as he flashed his wide open mouth smile up at me. Now worries, no complaints. So lucky to be able to share this and so many other special moments with the amazing little boy.

Rocking

There is something so special about rocking a sleepy baby. When Elliott is really tired he will lay still in my arms with his eyes focused directly on mine. He stares at me as if trying to read my thoughts...understand my quiet whispering....learn the words to the songs I sing. He speaks to me in those moments. Telling me he is happy. Telling me he is content. His cheeks hang low with the weight of a long day. Arms crossed across his chest. His fingers doing their best to intertwine. The steady rocking makes my eyes start to close. But his stay wide. Focused. Understanding. Tonight we rocked like that for a long time. I was conscious of the moment and how amazing this little boy has made my life. I was aware of how much love a mom feels for her child. I was certain that nothing in the world is better then rocking a sleepy baby.

Friends

Today we had a nice visit with the McMullen family. I am always so thankful for the people in our lives who love and support us. When I first found out that I was pregnant, my joy was mixed with fear as I worried about how people my react to my decision. I knew my family would be supportive, but I wasn't sure how many of my friends would react. I quickly came to the realization that this big change in my life also meant that I would probably lose some people who knew me as a single girl without a baby and could not adjust to me with a baby. As I began to share my exciting news with people, I was thrilled to discover an enormous outpouring of love, support, and positive words. It really was amazing. I've been floating on a cloud since last November and now that it has been almost a whole year into this journey, I am still continually amazed. We are so lucky!!

Fall

Today the weather changed. It actually felt like Fall outside this morning. The air was crisp and cool and even the sky looked different. I absolutely love this weather. I dressed Elliott in his Gator onesie, white pants, and his first hoodie!!! I was thrilled to dress myself in new jeans (ok they are still maternity jeans...but they fit!!!!) and a long sleeve shirt and not sweat my face off. We loaded up and after a quick visit with the landlords we drove, windows down, to the arts and crafts store. There's something about this time of year that makes me feel crafty. I picked out a little pumpkin to carve for Elliott...a fake carvable one that he can put out every year. Next we made our way to grandma and grandpa's house where we found them outside putting up Halloween decorations and planting flowers. A long nap, dinner, a walk down the block with grandma and then back home for bedtime and some football. Fall is my favorite.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.