Nursing

At one point this morning I saw myself in the mirror holding Elliott in my left arm, brushing my teeth with my right. The microwave beeped letting me know the breast pump attachments and binky I had just put in to sterilize were done. I did a run through of the contents of the diaper bag in my head, glanced at the clock and realized I had 5 minutes to get out the door to make it to our Nursing Mother's group on time.  I stopped and smiled at myself, I was successfully multitasking like a "real" mom does. And damn I was good at it. Going to Nursing Mom's group was important to me since my journey into breastfeeding was FAR FAR from what I thought it would be. I imagined giving birth and having my baby crawl up to my breast and take its first taste of my milk. I knew the basics: good latch, different holds, wide mouth, tickling the lips with the nipple, etc. I did, after all go to a breastfeeding class. Nobody told me about bad latch, nipple pain, thrush, awkward holding of the baby, tense shoulders, nipple pain, swollen boobs, cracked nipples...it goes on. But I was committed. I would not give up. I sought help, got prescription ointment for my sore nipples, suffered through the pain, even cried through many feedings...because nursing Elliott meant so much to me. I HAD to get through it and do this very important thing for my baby. I believe it's the healthiest thing for him and me and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Proud of him for making me do it.

We made it to group on time today. However the room was empty when we got there because there was no group today. Ok...so I thought I had it all together today. Whatever. We got to have a nice visit to the 3rd floor to visit Aunt Tina and the other nurses who were there to help with Elliott's birth. Then a nice lunch with grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Stephen at Taco Bell.

Rituals

While there were many things I knew I would kind of have to figure out as I went along, I knew one thing for sure...having a nighttime ritual was very important. I started it immediately by keeping the lights and activity level low starting around 6:30 in the evening. The evening begins with a bath. At first it was awkward to support this tiny, slippery little guy in a blue bath on the bathroom counter. After a couple of tries we both got the hang of it and bath time is now something I think we both look forward to. A dip in the sink to rinse off the extra soap and then a warm towel wrap. A bit of lotion and a quick leg and arm massage and then it's into a clean diaper and pajamas. Next we are rocking quietly, watching tv in the living room, or listening to quiet music in Elliott's room. This last feeding before bedtime is my favorite. He looks up at me and listens intently as I quietly relay the events of the day. His eyes wide as he tries to stay awake for just a little longer. Eventually his breathing becomes heavier. His eyes are tightly shut and I watch him sleep in my arms. Another day has gone by and we've settled in for another night together.

Good night. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.

Shots

Today was the first round of immunizations. I was concerned about injecting this perfect baby boy with any sort of medicine or disease or whatever they do. I was concerned for his future health. Concerned about negative side effects. Concerned I wasn't doing what was best for him. I ultimately decided..with a little help from Dr. Sears...that I would only give 2. And so there we were. The public health department. My mind was racing. I held him tight and let him suck a little before we were called in. The nurse started with the oral dose. She was patient. She wiped his mouth after each drop. Gave it slowly and reassured me that it tasted sweet. He didn't cry. I held my breath as she reached for the needle for the second dose. As she stuck him, Elliott gave out a little shriek and suddenly the tears started to flow. Mine. I felt guilty and immediately questioned my decision. He fell asleep in the car and then slept peacefully as mom and I ate lunch. I watched him sleep that afternoon at home. Couldn't take my eyes off him. Rocked him and patted him. And other then a little extra sleeping...things appear to be fine. Keeping this little boy safe is my job and putting him purposely in danger (even if it is for his ultimate safety) did not feel right at all. Exhale.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.