Laughter

The other day I was playing with Elliott on the bed. I had him propped up against a pillow and was talking to him and singing to him playing with his feet. He's interacting so much more and it makes me laugh to watch him focus on me and talk to me with his eyes. I gave him a few tickles on the belly and he gave his biggest open mouth smile. I love that face. You can't help but smile right back at him. Today, though, I noticed that he was laughing when he did the big smile! It's not quite a full laugh...just some noise coming out..but it's definitely the beginnings of laughter. Soon enough there will be giggles. Hours of laughter at the smallest things. Pure joy.

Toys

I ordered some new toys for Elliott and they got delivered today. He is starting to be able to have a little more control of his hands and is ready to start learning to grasp things on his own. I have been noticing that lately he loves to suck on his fingers and especially his arm. He hasn't quite figured out how to bring his hands up to his mouth, so he usually bends down to bring his mouth to his hands. It's funny to watch him try and try to get his hands into his mouth. Today he sucked and sucked on his arm while he was leaning on my shoulder. He left little hickies on his own arm. Poor little guy. Then tonight at dinner iwth my friend Trish, I noticed that he was sucking his thumb!! This was the first time he's ever gotten just his thumb into his mouth. It is usually curled into his fist. It's exciting to watch him with his hands, it makes me realize that he is not only growing, but starting to learn how to do something on his own. Learning that his hands are something that he can control and also that he can start to control his grasp on things. For now I have to place a toy into his hand and he will grasp it, but soon enough he will be reaching for and grasping things on his own. We take for granted all the little things babies have to learn how to do...one day he'll just do these things without my help. He'll sit up, walk, talk...I am so excited to watch him learn.

3 Months

Elliott turned 3 months old on Friday. It has gone by just as fast as everyone said it would. He is different every day. The weeks was so nice. Getting to spend time with Selah and Zane was really special. Friday was also Zane's grandfather's viewing. I was nervous to go since I had never been to anything like that before, but I knew it meant a lot to my dad who was good friends with George and also to Zane. It's hard to watch a family grieve. Hard to watch people you love so sad over the loss of another loved one. I think I squeezed Elliott the whole time and then the next day at the service. My eyes welled with tears as I realized how short our lives really are. But looking at that family I also realized how much can be accomplished in our lives. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I have made an effort to focus my life on positive things. Surround myself with positive and supportive people. After all, you only get this one chance. You don't really get a redo. Having Elliott at the funeral service was also a reminder of the circle of life. Things go on...move forward. So it's important to take note of the changes, of the little things, of the small moments. And never forget to say I love you. It's important.

Birthday

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday! Last year Selah took me on an adventure to St. Augustine and Gainesville. We saw three shows, went to football, and partied it up for a whole weekend. It never occurred to me that this year we would be celebrating my birthday with my son. My birthday week started on Sunday with a family dinner at mom and dad's. Selah got into town late Monday night and we spent time playing with Elliott and lounging around watching tv. Zane's been here since his grandfather was sick and we got to spend some time with him. It's my favorite thing to have them both here...there are few people that can make me laugh the way they do. I decided that I was ready to leave Elliott with my mom and go out with them for a birthday dinner. Of course I was nervous about really leaving Elliott for an extended amount of time, but I knew that putting him to bed before I left would make it a little easier. My mom stayed with him and I only cried a little when I left. He stayed asleep the whole time and I lasted almost 3 hours out without him. I couldn't wait for the moment I got back and could watch him sleeping. While things are definitely different this year, and my past birthday's were all amazing, this one was the best. The most meaningful and definitely the most special. My first year as a mommy and my first year with Elliott. I couldn't wish for anything better.

Grandma

My mom left for a conference this morning and so that makes today the first day she has spent away from Elliott. She has been there for us everyday since he was born in one way or another. From the moment I told her I was pregnant my mom has been there for me in every way. She has shared in this pure joy that I have felt since then and while there are certainly moments where I feel overwhelmed or even annoyed, I have to stop and realize that everything she does is out of love for me and for my son, her new grandchild. My parents have both been supportive and there is nothing better then seeing them with Elliott. Today was also the first day I left Elliott home. I had an interview, so he stayed with Aunt Tina. It's so strange to walk out the door and get into the car without him. After the interview I made a quick run to Publix, which was really strange without Elliott. I almost didn't know what to do with myself. It's definitely hard to think about returning to work and leaving him all day. But at least I am leaving him with grandma or Aunt Tina. This is one thing I have to do to provide for him and give him the best that I can. For now I am cherishing every day I get to spend with Elliott and all the days we get to spend with family and friends. Love is watching someone grow.

Growing

It is absolutely amazing to me that Elliott is growing so much so fast. Everyone said it would happen. And it has...right before my eyes. I swear sometimes he looks different in the morning then he did when we went to bed the night before. A little more hair, eyes a little more focused. Taller. Fatter. I took him to the pediatrician on Tuesday because he had a little rash that I started to panic about. Nothing to worry about, but I just had to make sure. He weighed 15 pounds 10.7 ounces. He has doubled in size since he was born. And all he eats is my milk. It's truly amazing. I could never have imagined how in awe I would be of him. Every moment is a moment of growth, of learning, of joy and love. For both of us. As much as he will learn from me in his life....I am learning twice as much from him. He is teaching me how to be a mommy, what it means to sacrifice, what happiness and love can really be, and so so much more. I am thankful everyday. I cannot say it enough.

Mom Groups

I am trying to be open minded about meeting other mom's and hanging out in "mom groups." I go to a nursing mom's group at Morton Plant, mommy and me yoga, and today I went to a different nursing mom's group at Mease Countryside. I think it's important for me to have connections with other moms and become part of some new social circles that involves other people with kids, but it's hard for me to be open to making new friends. I've been lucky to have a pretty amazing group of friends, some of which I have known since elementary school. I feel like we all know each other so well. Things just pick up right where they left off. Like when Juli came over today. I haven't seen her in over a year and it was like no time had passed. She got to meet Elliott and even with this big change in my life, things just fall right back into place. Meeting new people means having to open up and almost start over again. They don't know my background, my quirks, my likes and dislikes....etc, etc. But I am trying to be open minded. It may take some time, but I think Elliott and I will find our place. We'll meet some new people and I know we will both be better off for it.

Remembering

I just finished watching an episode of Parenthood. They had a new baby on the show and watching the birth scene had me bawling...in a good way. It's just so crazy to think that I did that. That I carried Elliott for 37 weeks and then went through labor and birth. I remember it well, but there is this part that I think your brain purposely blocks. It keeps us having babies. I know that I was scared and anxious and that there was pain, but I don't remember those things as much as I remember that moment of them putting him on me and seeing him for the first time. The overwhelming joy and love erases any memory of struggle or pain. I all of a sudden missed my pregnant belly so much. I loved being pregnant. Loved knowing that there was a baby growing inside me and that I was doing everything in my power to keep it safe and comfortable, despite my uncomfortableness sometimes. In some ways, it seems so surreal. And then I look over at this perfect little boy. And I remember. That was me. Pregnant. With him. We did that...Elliott and I together.

Single

A mom raising a child on her own is referred to as a single mom. I've come to have negative feelings about this label. Yeah I guess "single" means that I have no partner. No boyfriend. No husband. And that is true. But the reality is I am far from single. After all, single means one and one means alone. I have Elliott. I have my family. I have friends and support all around me. During this journey into mommyhood I have never felt single, or alone. We are surrounded by so much love and support that I cannot say that I am doing this on my own. So I have to think of a new category to put myself into. Have to think of a new way to describe my title. I am a mom. Single mom just doesn't work for me. I think it also bothers me that the phrase single mom carries a negative connotation and people often automatically feel sympathetic. I don't ever want people to feel sorry for me or think that I am asking for sympathy. I chose this and I love every moment with Elliott. I feel empowered by the things Elliott and I do together, like when we accomplish something like a trip to Publix. I feel proud. So I will have to keep thinking...because I just don't want the single label anymore.

Lazy

Today we were completely lazy. It was a rainy Sunday and Elliott and I spent most of the day napping on the couch. Of course we had some play time on the floor...got some great laughs and smiles..but it was just too gross out to go outside. I started noticing the other day that Elliott's cries are getting to be more purposeful and less random. Maybe I am just getting better at understanding what he is trying to communicate to me...hungry, bored, tired of being in the same position. Either way, as he approaches the 3 month mark, I definitely notice a difference with his cries. He is also starting to sleep through the night, waking up for a 12 or 12:30 feeding and then sleeping until the morning. It's nice, but I am still waking up constantly to check on him or just watch him. I love watching him sleep. And play. And smile. And laugh. And learn. The list is endless....I love everything about him.

Family

Today Elliott and I picked up grandma and went to the craft show in Tarpon. The weather is getting cooler and it's so nice to be able to walk outside without sweating so much. I carried Elliott as he slept in his wrap. We came to a booth where they were selling clay charms with names on them. My mom had gotten one for me years ago and we talked about how they probably wouldn't have one with his name spelled correctly. My mom reached down into the box marked "E" and picked up a charm. She held it out for me to see and there was Elliott's name. Of course we had to buy it. There were literally hundreds of charms in the box...and she picked out his name in seconds. It is the first thing I have gotten for him with his name printed on it. After the art show we headed to their house to get ready for the Gator game. Elliott and I ended up sleeping for two hours on the couch. He's been enjoying napping on my belly lately, stretched out with his legs on mine, his arms draped over my sides. Soon after we woke up, Steve, Tyler, David and Stephen showed up. Elliott is so lucky to have such amazing men in his life. We are both so thankful to have the family love and support that we have. Watching my mom and dad holding him and talking to him, watching how proud they are of me and him is amazing. The way it makes me feel is indescribable. This is by far the greatest thing I have ever done. 

Sleep

One of the first changes that came with pregnancy for me was a change in my sleep pattern. I used to be the up late, sleep late kind of person. But immediately, my body started to prepare me for being up with a baby. I slept lighter, having to get up every few hours to pee or eat a little snack. As my belly grew I was constantly tossing and turning. Sometimes waking up to the feeling of the little person inside kicking or moving. Restless nights and early mornings and yet I was still able to function pretty well...although I was overwhelmingly tired at times. And then Elliott arrived. I didn't sleep for days. Too scared to close my eyes. I just wanted to stare at him. Watch him breathe. I thought I might never sleep again and I was ok with that.  He slept so peacefully. His little belly barely moving up and down with each breath. Eventually, my eyes grew too heavy to stay awake any longer and I felt safe letting myself sleep knowing Elliott was close by. Now, our sleep is almost synchronized at night. He barely squirms next to me, gives out the slightest noise, and I am awake..sometimes just barely...but awake and ready to care for him. Sometimes he needs to eat, needs a diaper change, a hand on his belly or arm, his binky back in, or a quiet shhhhh. And then we're back to sleep. If only for a few hours for now.

Safety

I just finished reading an article called The Science of Attachment about attachment theory and bonding. "Attachment theory is based on the belief that the mother-child bond is the essential and primary force in infant development, and thus forms the basis of coping, negotiation of relationships, and personality development." From the moment I found out I was pregnant,  I felt this primal instinct to protect my little baby. I changed my diet, cut out caffeine, stopped smoking immediately, started yoga, and did everything I could to make sure that I was healthy and in turn making sure my baby was healthy. Before his birth, I knew that I wanted Elliott to remain close to me at all times while we were in the hospital and made this a very important part of my birth plan. And for these first 11 weeks, I have done my best to keep Elliott close to me, adopting an attached parenting lifestyle. My instincts just told me that this was the right thing to do. I love being able to keep him safe and help him feel safe by carrying him close to me in a sling or wrap, breastfeeding him on demand, and co-sleeping with him. I love the feeling it gives me to care for him and meet his needs, providing him with the foundation for a healthy and safe lifestyle.

Smiles

Elliott has been smiling so much lately. I started noticing his smiles when he was about one month old. They might have been just gas, but I believed they were on purpose and just for me. Now I am sure though, his smiles are purposeful and a reaction to pure joy. He smiles when his eyes focus on my face. He smiles when I lay him in his crib and I turn the knob on his mobile to make his "guys" turn. He smiles at my mom and my dad when they come into the room and say hi to him. He smiles at his bird sticker on the wall by his changing table and the Snoopy doll who leans down from the shelf above it. Sometimes when he smiles he makes a laughing sound. There is nothing that can brighten a room, warm my heart, and make me feel true love like the smile on the face of a happy baby. My happy baby.

Yoga

Today Elliott and I went to yoga. I started going when I was around 12 weeks pregnant and fell in love with it. I am certain that practicing yoga while pregnant was beneficial in so many ways. It was an hour and a half where I could focus all of my positive energy on the little person growing inside me. It was also a time for me to consciously relax my body and feel almost weightless as I focused on my breathing and controlling my muscles. After the Tuesday morning prenatal class, the new moms would always be waiting outside with their babies for the mommy and me class to start. I would look at them and try to imagine what it would be like to take my own baby to mommy and me yoga, what I would look like standing there with my baby. For all those weeks, it seemed so far off. And then two weeks ago, there I was. Managing a wiggly baby, my backpack and my yoga mat. It was so surreal to be there with him....and minus my big big belly. I was worried about whether he would cry the whole time. But he loved it. I know he recognized some of the music from his CD at home. He lay quietly wiggling on the end of my mat as I focused my breath and did the class. Today was our third time going and he was so amazing. He makes me proud and amazes me every day. I stared down at him and couldn't help but laugh out loud as he flashed his wide open mouth smile up at me. Now worries, no complaints. So lucky to be able to share this and so many other special moments with the amazing little boy.

Rocking

There is something so special about rocking a sleepy baby. When Elliott is really tired he will lay still in my arms with his eyes focused directly on mine. He stares at me as if trying to read my thoughts...understand my quiet whispering....learn the words to the songs I sing. He speaks to me in those moments. Telling me he is happy. Telling me he is content. His cheeks hang low with the weight of a long day. Arms crossed across his chest. His fingers doing their best to intertwine. The steady rocking makes my eyes start to close. But his stay wide. Focused. Understanding. Tonight we rocked like that for a long time. I was conscious of the moment and how amazing this little boy has made my life. I was aware of how much love a mom feels for her child. I was certain that nothing in the world is better then rocking a sleepy baby.

Friends

Today we had a nice visit with the McMullen family. I am always so thankful for the people in our lives who love and support us. When I first found out that I was pregnant, my joy was mixed with fear as I worried about how people my react to my decision. I knew my family would be supportive, but I wasn't sure how many of my friends would react. I quickly came to the realization that this big change in my life also meant that I would probably lose some people who knew me as a single girl without a baby and could not adjust to me with a baby. As I began to share my exciting news with people, I was thrilled to discover an enormous outpouring of love, support, and positive words. It really was amazing. I've been floating on a cloud since last November and now that it has been almost a whole year into this journey, I am still continually amazed. We are so lucky!!

Fall

Today the weather changed. It actually felt like Fall outside this morning. The air was crisp and cool and even the sky looked different. I absolutely love this weather. I dressed Elliott in his Gator onesie, white pants, and his first hoodie!!! I was thrilled to dress myself in new jeans (ok they are still maternity jeans...but they fit!!!!) and a long sleeve shirt and not sweat my face off. We loaded up and after a quick visit with the landlords we drove, windows down, to the arts and crafts store. There's something about this time of year that makes me feel crafty. I picked out a little pumpkin to carve for Elliott...a fake carvable one that he can put out every year. Next we made our way to grandma and grandpa's house where we found them outside putting up Halloween decorations and planting flowers. A long nap, dinner, a walk down the block with grandma and then back home for bedtime and some football. Fall is my favorite.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.