Work

I went back to work today. First day on a new job at a new school and I was leaving my baby boy for the first time all day. Talk about emotional overload. We started the day at 5:45. Elliott woke up before my alarm went off and I kept him awake after his feeding just to spend time with him before I had to go. It was hard to get ready to leave, make my lunch, get dressed, even just brush my teeth, because I just wanted to hold him and hug him and talk to him as much as I could. Only a few tears from me when I left. I actually did much better then I thought I would. I told my new class all about Elliott. Brought in his little socks for them to see and a picture. I thought about him all day long, and my mom kept me posted with texts and I checked in twice during my breaks. I've never missed another person so much. When the day was over I raced home to see him. As I pulled up, there they were standing outside waiting for me. His little face peering over my mom's arm was even cuter then I remembered. As I nursed him on the couch, I fell in love with him all over again. Completely overwhelming to love someone so much. Completely worth every moment.

Thanksgiving

It's officially the start of the holiday season and today we celebrated Elliott's first Thanksgiving. We spent the night at grandma and grandpa's house last night and were up bright and early to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Elliott stared a little at the tv, but of course this year he really had no idea what was going on. Then it was a day filled with football, food, and family. Elliott slept through the meal and then woke up to sit on the porch and watch his cousins play. He listened and looked, observing and taking in the family that he is a part of. Of course, I think about all the wonderful things and people that I am thankful for today. The list is endless...but mostly I am thankful for the little boy who has made my life full and complete. Who has shown me a new way to love and who makes every day amazing. With tummies and hearts full we begin the countdown to Christmas and the end of 2011. A year to be thankful for.

4 Months

Elliott turned 4 months old today!! These are the things he loves: practicing grasping his hands together, putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking on them, hearing me and grandma and grandpa sing him songs, practicing his new sounds (goo and gee and gah), making gurgling noises and blowing bubbles, drooling, farting, eating, and crying, giving his big open mouth smile, giving his little shy smile, giving his Elvis smile, staring at the tv, staring at his feet, standing up with support or in the walker, holding onto his toys, being tickled, riding in the wrap or the carrier, realizing that he recognizes the person who is talking to him, sucking on his binky, playing If You're Happy and You Know It and Patty Cake, looking at himself in the mirror during his bath, splashing the water with his feet in the bath, looking at himself on the camera screen, watching the guys on his mobile above his crib.....4 months!!!!! WOW!!!

Needs

Sometimes I watch Elliott playing on the floor or smiling up at his mobile in his crib and I get overwhelmed with emotion. I am proud and so in love with the little boy that grows and changes everyday. When he looks back at me he smiles. He lets me know that he is safe and happy. That he has everything he needs. But then there are times where he cries. His little face turns red and tiny tears spill from his eyes. He needs me. Needs something that only I can give him right now. Maybe it's just to be held, maybe it's the comfort of nursing, or to eat. My role is giver and I do my best to always figure out just what he needs. Today Elliott reminded me of my role when I stood over him playing with my mom on the couch. He turned and looked up into my eyes. Smiled, and began rooting against my arm. Next thing I knew he was sucking on my arm. Trying to latch on to eat. Not knowing he was in the complete wrong place, all he knew was I was there and he needed me. He didn't care in that moment that it was my arm he was sucking on and not the nipple that he really wanted. Just knew I was mommy and mommy gives food, support, love, and comfort. What he doesn't know is how much he gives me. Fulfills a need, a very special and amazing piece of my heart and soul.

Singing

Music has always been a very important part of my life. When she was pregnant with me, my mom sang Annie's Song by John Denver. She continued to sing it to me as a baby and throughout my life. It was "my song". I would hear it on the radio and my eyes would droop. I would get sleepy and peaceful. I still do. I played a lot of music for Elliott before he was born. I would sing songs to him. Turn up the radio a little louder then usual just to make sure the baby could hear. Once Elliott was born, I began to sing to him right away. Holding him close and singing to him was not only comforting to him, but for me too. Especially in those moments where nothing else seemed to calm him. I sing to him all the time and now he is starting to recognize the songs that I sing and he gets excited when I start to sing. Today my dad was playing with him on the floor and he started to sing You Are My Sunshine...Elliott gave his biggest smile as if to say "You know that song too???" As I was rocking him to sleep tonight I leaned close to his face and sang You Are My Sunshine. He reached up and touched my mouth. He smiled and giggled. And he even tried to sing along. His singing sounds are different then his talking sounds and are just another indication of his understanding. I think we harmonize together perfectly.

Conversations

Today I got a great video of Elliott making some of his new sounds. He coos and oohs and gees and agahhs. He says things. This is the beginnings of language and a new way to communicate with the world. He stares straight into my eyes as his mouth forms a small "O" and his hands grasp together. I can see his tongue curling in his mouth and sometimes his whole body wiggles and jumps. He pauses and listens...thinks about what he will say next. One day these sounds will become words. Little by little we learn more and more how to speak to each other and how to understand each other. He imitates me. I imitate him. We talk back and forth. These are our first conversations.

Tampa

Elliott hates the car. This makes taking drives beyond a couple of miles pretty difficult. He starts out ok and then just starts screaming and crying. It makes me feel awful since there isn't really anything I can do. I've tried giving him blankets and a toy to hold. I've tried to give him his binky..he usually spits it out and then since I am driving I can't give it back. I've tried to sit in the back with him when I can and he just stares at me and cries. I think he is just so frustrated and does not understand why he has to be strapped in back there. Poor guy. It's really hard for me. But today my mom and I decided to try a trip to Tampa to the Fairgrounds for the Junior League's Holiday Market. We put him in the car seat just as he was falling asleep and he slept almost the whole way there. So today was Elliott's first trip out of Pinellas County. Woo hoo. After the holiday market, we decided to try a quick trip to Ikea. Despite lots of crying on the way home, I would say it was a success. We're all exhausted and since the time changed last night, it feels much later then it actually is. So it looks like I will be in bed and asleep before 9:30 tonight. And that is just fine with me.

Outside

Today was a perfect day to be outside. We started the day with breakfast with friends at Ohana's Cafe. Elliott slept wrapped tight on my body as we ate out on the patio. Veggie omelet, hot decaf coffee, potatoes, and a popover topped with macadamia nut sauce. Elliott and I then made our way to the Art Harvest in Dunedin. I get so excited about showing new things to Elliott. We saw art made from wood, glass, metal. Photographs of nature. Collages that were enormous and bright. Elliott's eyes were huge as he took in everything around him. All the people. The dogs. The smells from the food vendors. The chill of the air and the heat of the sun. There was a band playing bluegrass music and he listened and moved in my arms. Excited to hear the instruments and the singing. I put his little feet close to the ground so that his toes touched the cool wet grass and mud. This was the first time his feet have touched the earth. It's amazing to be there. To witness these moments. Somewhere in there his brain is processing everything new that his senses are taking in. Today was a perfect day to be outside.

Worry

Today was Elliott's second round of shots. Since I have decided to separate the shots according to the Dr. Sears Alternative Schedule, I take him every month to get two shots. Today was the HIB and the PC and it's just so hard for me to watch someone inflict even the tiniest bit of pain onto my baby. It's hard to realize that his little screech is a reaction to pain...hard to hold him in my arms and let that happen. He did good though, only did a little crying. I would definitely say I did more then he did. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and stayed asleep as I moved him from the car into his room. That was 5 hours ago and he is still asleep. He woke up briefly just to eat and then fell back asleep on my shoulder in the rocking chair. I  keep checking him. Standing over him. Watching him. Listening to him through the monitor. A mom's worry is not like any kind of worry I have ever experienced in my life. I never want my baby to be sick, or hurt, or upset. I never want him to feel scared or worried. If I could I would keep him safe in a little bubble forever...kind of like before he was born. But I know I can't and I will worry. I will watch him and stand over him. I will hug him too much and kiss him too much. I will spoil him and love him. Because that's my job. That's what being a mom means to me.