Good Times

It's been a crazy week. Elliott celebrated his first Mueller Christmas, got to spend time with great friends, tried some avocado, played at the park, had a sleepover with Selah, went out for some good food, smiled, laughed, and did some more practice sitting up on his own. The holidays are always such a special time but this year was the best, with Elliott by my side.  I always look forward to people coming into town and this year Jesse, Tiffany, and Lila came from Philly, Selah came from Savannah, and Beth, Andy, Theron, Royal, and Birdie came from Sebring. While there were definitely a few people missing this year, it was so nice to be able to get together with friends who have been such an important part of my life and who are now an important part of Elliott's life. Our family extends out to this group of special friends and each one adds something to the way that Elliott will grow and the person that he will become. Lila is walking and watching her is amazing. I cannot even imagine watching Elliott play on a playground, sliding down a slide, running through the grass giggling. It seems so far away, but I know it will be here so soon. It's fun to watch her grow from a distance. Every time we see her she has changed so much. While we may only get to see our friends who mean so much to us so rarely, their love and support reaches us every day. I can only hope that they know how much we appreciate and love them back.

Tradition

It's December 23, but we are celebrating the holidays a little early this year. Tina has to work on Christmas day, so we bumped everything up one day making tonight our Christmas Eve. Elliott and I started the day by doing a little last minute shopping at the bookstore where the ladies doing the complementary wrapping gave Elliott a bow for his mostly bald head! A stop for lunch with grandpa, David and Stephen and then to grandma and grandpa's house to get ready for the name present exchange. Elliott napped while I went home to gather up some gifts and do some last minute wrapping. A nice walk around the neighborhood looking at lights with David and Elliott and then it was time for our Christmas Eve dinner. Everyone came over and we had Greek food. Our family tradition is to pick names after Thanksgiving dinner and that is the person you give a gift to on Christmas Eve. Even though Elliott is not a part of the name picking and gift giving yet, it was amazing to have him there with us for the first time ever. I gave Elliott a present to open, an illustrated Twas the Night Before Christmas. It feels so special to have my son a part of our family traditions and so exciting to begin new traditions with him. I am so excited for the morning....I feel like a little kid again. I don't think I will be sleeping very well tonight. Tomorrow is going to be magical.

5 Months

Elliott turned 5 months old today. He is having so much fun practicing sitting up on his own. It's amazing. One day he was just barely sitting on his own and then last night I sat behind him as he wavered back and forth, but he was able to keep his balance. Tonight while we played on the floor by his mirror, he was able to stay up by himself even longer. He flashed me his wide open mouth smile and seemed so proud of himself. Of course, I was so proud of him too. This morning I gave Elliott his first taste of real food. I put a piece of a banana on the tray of his walker. At first he completely ignored it and then finally he tried to pick it up. It kept flying off the tray and I had to wash it off a few times, but he did manage to get some of it on his fingers and put it in his mouth. It's going to be so exciting to start giving him other foods. I am going to try to wait until 6 months, but a little sample here and there should be fine. We had a nice day together today which included meeting up with my old friend Mark and then going on a little lunch date just the two of us. There is no other boy I would rather be out to lunch with.

Countdown

November flew by and it's already the middle of December. It's time to start the countdown to Christmas and then the New Year. Elliott's first Christmas. It's come up so quickly since I have been back to work. I did put up a tree and put out some decorations. My mom gave us an advent calendar and I take Elliott over to it every day to pull out the little toy to stick on the tree. I like the idea of starting traditions with him. Tina, David, and Steve got Elliott a Mickey ornament that says "baby's first Christmas" on it and I have it hung on the tree right next to the ornament Tina and Stephen got for me when I was a baby. I think giving Elliott an ornament each year will be special. It will so fun to decorate with him. On Sunday my mom and I took Elliott to see Santa. I chose to take him to the one at the Oldsmar Flea Market. I just wasn't that excited about the mall Santa, it didn't seem like something I really wanted to do. But we go to the Flea Market a lot and something about it just felt special for us. There was no line, no other crying kids and parents waiting impatiently. Just me and my mom and Elliott, the photographer and a very nice Santa. We laughed and had a great time. Poor Elliott was falling asleep in the buggy, but he was a good sport and didn't even cry at all. It was really special and a memory I will always have. Each year when we get out the photos, I will smile as I remember Elliott's first time visiting Santa and how excited I was about the countdown to his first Christmas.

Exhausted

My first week of back to work is done. I am so lucky to have found such an amazing environment to be working in and it has made the transition so much easier. Leaving Elliott each morning is tough. Yesterday, he slept as I got ready and then stayed asleep so that I did not get to have awake time with him before I had to leave. Aunt Tina was here for her first day with him and I had trouble leaving without waking him up first. But knowing that I am leaving him with my mom and my sister make it easier too. The days at school are busy and I am getting used to pumping at work. Everyone has been so welcoming and kind and I can't wait for them to meet Elliott. I think about him all day long. I look at the little boys and wonder what he will be like when he is 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....will he like soccer, will he ride the trikes or play in the dirt? Will he be kind, sensitive, caring, and friendly? The possibilities for who he will be and what he will like are endless and so exciting. At the end of the day I rush home to see him. Can't wait to hold him and play with him...just look at him and love him. At the end of the day I am exhausted. But I save every last bit of energy to be there for him. To give him what he needs. Because, at the end of the day, he needs me and being a mommy is my most important job.

Work

I went back to work today. First day on a new job at a new school and I was leaving my baby boy for the first time all day. Talk about emotional overload. We started the day at 5:45. Elliott woke up before my alarm went off and I kept him awake after his feeding just to spend time with him before I had to go. It was hard to get ready to leave, make my lunch, get dressed, even just brush my teeth, because I just wanted to hold him and hug him and talk to him as much as I could. Only a few tears from me when I left. I actually did much better then I thought I would. I told my new class all about Elliott. Brought in his little socks for them to see and a picture. I thought about him all day long, and my mom kept me posted with texts and I checked in twice during my breaks. I've never missed another person so much. When the day was over I raced home to see him. As I pulled up, there they were standing outside waiting for me. His little face peering over my mom's arm was even cuter then I remembered. As I nursed him on the couch, I fell in love with him all over again. Completely overwhelming to love someone so much. Completely worth every moment.

Thanksgiving

It's officially the start of the holiday season and today we celebrated Elliott's first Thanksgiving. We spent the night at grandma and grandpa's house last night and were up bright and early to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Elliott stared a little at the tv, but of course this year he really had no idea what was going on. Then it was a day filled with football, food, and family. Elliott slept through the meal and then woke up to sit on the porch and watch his cousins play. He listened and looked, observing and taking in the family that he is a part of. Of course, I think about all the wonderful things and people that I am thankful for today. The list is endless...but mostly I am thankful for the little boy who has made my life full and complete. Who has shown me a new way to love and who makes every day amazing. With tummies and hearts full we begin the countdown to Christmas and the end of 2011. A year to be thankful for.

4 Months

Elliott turned 4 months old today!! These are the things he loves: practicing grasping his hands together, putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking on them, hearing me and grandma and grandpa sing him songs, practicing his new sounds (goo and gee and gah), making gurgling noises and blowing bubbles, drooling, farting, eating, and crying, giving his big open mouth smile, giving his little shy smile, giving his Elvis smile, staring at the tv, staring at his feet, standing up with support or in the walker, holding onto his toys, being tickled, riding in the wrap or the carrier, realizing that he recognizes the person who is talking to him, sucking on his binky, playing If You're Happy and You Know It and Patty Cake, looking at himself in the mirror during his bath, splashing the water with his feet in the bath, looking at himself on the camera screen, watching the guys on his mobile above his crib.....4 months!!!!! WOW!!!

Needs

Sometimes I watch Elliott playing on the floor or smiling up at his mobile in his crib and I get overwhelmed with emotion. I am proud and so in love with the little boy that grows and changes everyday. When he looks back at me he smiles. He lets me know that he is safe and happy. That he has everything he needs. But then there are times where he cries. His little face turns red and tiny tears spill from his eyes. He needs me. Needs something that only I can give him right now. Maybe it's just to be held, maybe it's the comfort of nursing, or to eat. My role is giver and I do my best to always figure out just what he needs. Today Elliott reminded me of my role when I stood over him playing with my mom on the couch. He turned and looked up into my eyes. Smiled, and began rooting against my arm. Next thing I knew he was sucking on my arm. Trying to latch on to eat. Not knowing he was in the complete wrong place, all he knew was I was there and he needed me. He didn't care in that moment that it was my arm he was sucking on and not the nipple that he really wanted. Just knew I was mommy and mommy gives food, support, love, and comfort. What he doesn't know is how much he gives me. Fulfills a need, a very special and amazing piece of my heart and soul.

Singing

Music has always been a very important part of my life. When she was pregnant with me, my mom sang Annie's Song by John Denver. She continued to sing it to me as a baby and throughout my life. It was "my song". I would hear it on the radio and my eyes would droop. I would get sleepy and peaceful. I still do. I played a lot of music for Elliott before he was born. I would sing songs to him. Turn up the radio a little louder then usual just to make sure the baby could hear. Once Elliott was born, I began to sing to him right away. Holding him close and singing to him was not only comforting to him, but for me too. Especially in those moments where nothing else seemed to calm him. I sing to him all the time and now he is starting to recognize the songs that I sing and he gets excited when I start to sing. Today my dad was playing with him on the floor and he started to sing You Are My Sunshine...Elliott gave his biggest smile as if to say "You know that song too???" As I was rocking him to sleep tonight I leaned close to his face and sang You Are My Sunshine. He reached up and touched my mouth. He smiled and giggled. And he even tried to sing along. His singing sounds are different then his talking sounds and are just another indication of his understanding. I think we harmonize together perfectly.

Conversations

Today I got a great video of Elliott making some of his new sounds. He coos and oohs and gees and agahhs. He says things. This is the beginnings of language and a new way to communicate with the world. He stares straight into my eyes as his mouth forms a small "O" and his hands grasp together. I can see his tongue curling in his mouth and sometimes his whole body wiggles and jumps. He pauses and listens...thinks about what he will say next. One day these sounds will become words. Little by little we learn more and more how to speak to each other and how to understand each other. He imitates me. I imitate him. We talk back and forth. These are our first conversations.

Tampa

Elliott hates the car. This makes taking drives beyond a couple of miles pretty difficult. He starts out ok and then just starts screaming and crying. It makes me feel awful since there isn't really anything I can do. I've tried giving him blankets and a toy to hold. I've tried to give him his binky..he usually spits it out and then since I am driving I can't give it back. I've tried to sit in the back with him when I can and he just stares at me and cries. I think he is just so frustrated and does not understand why he has to be strapped in back there. Poor guy. It's really hard for me. But today my mom and I decided to try a trip to Tampa to the Fairgrounds for the Junior League's Holiday Market. We put him in the car seat just as he was falling asleep and he slept almost the whole way there. So today was Elliott's first trip out of Pinellas County. Woo hoo. After the holiday market, we decided to try a quick trip to Ikea. Despite lots of crying on the way home, I would say it was a success. We're all exhausted and since the time changed last night, it feels much later then it actually is. So it looks like I will be in bed and asleep before 9:30 tonight. And that is just fine with me.

Outside

Today was a perfect day to be outside. We started the day with breakfast with friends at Ohana's Cafe. Elliott slept wrapped tight on my body as we ate out on the patio. Veggie omelet, hot decaf coffee, potatoes, and a popover topped with macadamia nut sauce. Elliott and I then made our way to the Art Harvest in Dunedin. I get so excited about showing new things to Elliott. We saw art made from wood, glass, metal. Photographs of nature. Collages that were enormous and bright. Elliott's eyes were huge as he took in everything around him. All the people. The dogs. The smells from the food vendors. The chill of the air and the heat of the sun. There was a band playing bluegrass music and he listened and moved in my arms. Excited to hear the instruments and the singing. I put his little feet close to the ground so that his toes touched the cool wet grass and mud. This was the first time his feet have touched the earth. It's amazing to be there. To witness these moments. Somewhere in there his brain is processing everything new that his senses are taking in. Today was a perfect day to be outside.

Worry

Today was Elliott's second round of shots. Since I have decided to separate the shots according to the Dr. Sears Alternative Schedule, I take him every month to get two shots. Today was the HIB and the PC and it's just so hard for me to watch someone inflict even the tiniest bit of pain onto my baby. It's hard to realize that his little screech is a reaction to pain...hard to hold him in my arms and let that happen. He did good though, only did a little crying. I would definitely say I did more then he did. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and stayed asleep as I moved him from the car into his room. That was 5 hours ago and he is still asleep. He woke up briefly just to eat and then fell back asleep on my shoulder in the rocking chair. I  keep checking him. Standing over him. Watching him. Listening to him through the monitor. A mom's worry is not like any kind of worry I have ever experienced in my life. I never want my baby to be sick, or hurt, or upset. I never want him to feel scared or worried. If I could I would keep him safe in a little bubble forever...kind of like before he was born. But I know I can't and I will worry. I will watch him and stand over him. I will hug him too much and kiss him too much. I will spoil him and love him. Because that's my job. That's what being a mom means to me.

Laughter

The other day I was playing with Elliott on the bed. I had him propped up against a pillow and was talking to him and singing to him playing with his feet. He's interacting so much more and it makes me laugh to watch him focus on me and talk to me with his eyes. I gave him a few tickles on the belly and he gave his biggest open mouth smile. I love that face. You can't help but smile right back at him. Today, though, I noticed that he was laughing when he did the big smile! It's not quite a full laugh...just some noise coming out..but it's definitely the beginnings of laughter. Soon enough there will be giggles. Hours of laughter at the smallest things. Pure joy.

Toys

I ordered some new toys for Elliott and they got delivered today. He is starting to be able to have a little more control of his hands and is ready to start learning to grasp things on his own. I have been noticing that lately he loves to suck on his fingers and especially his arm. He hasn't quite figured out how to bring his hands up to his mouth, so he usually bends down to bring his mouth to his hands. It's funny to watch him try and try to get his hands into his mouth. Today he sucked and sucked on his arm while he was leaning on my shoulder. He left little hickies on his own arm. Poor little guy. Then tonight at dinner iwth my friend Trish, I noticed that he was sucking his thumb!! This was the first time he's ever gotten just his thumb into his mouth. It is usually curled into his fist. It's exciting to watch him with his hands, it makes me realize that he is not only growing, but starting to learn how to do something on his own. Learning that his hands are something that he can control and also that he can start to control his grasp on things. For now I have to place a toy into his hand and he will grasp it, but soon enough he will be reaching for and grasping things on his own. We take for granted all the little things babies have to learn how to do...one day he'll just do these things without my help. He'll sit up, walk, talk...I am so excited to watch him learn.

3 Months

Elliott turned 3 months old on Friday. It has gone by just as fast as everyone said it would. He is different every day. The weeks was so nice. Getting to spend time with Selah and Zane was really special. Friday was also Zane's grandfather's viewing. I was nervous to go since I had never been to anything like that before, but I knew it meant a lot to my dad who was good friends with George and also to Zane. It's hard to watch a family grieve. Hard to watch people you love so sad over the loss of another loved one. I think I squeezed Elliott the whole time and then the next day at the service. My eyes welled with tears as I realized how short our lives really are. But looking at that family I also realized how much can be accomplished in our lives. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I have made an effort to focus my life on positive things. Surround myself with positive and supportive people. After all, you only get this one chance. You don't really get a redo. Having Elliott at the funeral service was also a reminder of the circle of life. Things go on...move forward. So it's important to take note of the changes, of the little things, of the small moments. And never forget to say I love you. It's important.

Birthday

Yesterday was my 32nd birthday! Last year Selah took me on an adventure to St. Augustine and Gainesville. We saw three shows, went to football, and partied it up for a whole weekend. It never occurred to me that this year we would be celebrating my birthday with my son. My birthday week started on Sunday with a family dinner at mom and dad's. Selah got into town late Monday night and we spent time playing with Elliott and lounging around watching tv. Zane's been here since his grandfather was sick and we got to spend some time with him. It's my favorite thing to have them both here...there are few people that can make me laugh the way they do. I decided that I was ready to leave Elliott with my mom and go out with them for a birthday dinner. Of course I was nervous about really leaving Elliott for an extended amount of time, but I knew that putting him to bed before I left would make it a little easier. My mom stayed with him and I only cried a little when I left. He stayed asleep the whole time and I lasted almost 3 hours out without him. I couldn't wait for the moment I got back and could watch him sleeping. While things are definitely different this year, and my past birthday's were all amazing, this one was the best. The most meaningful and definitely the most special. My first year as a mommy and my first year with Elliott. I couldn't wish for anything better.

Grandma

My mom left for a conference this morning and so that makes today the first day she has spent away from Elliott. She has been there for us everyday since he was born in one way or another. From the moment I told her I was pregnant my mom has been there for me in every way. She has shared in this pure joy that I have felt since then and while there are certainly moments where I feel overwhelmed or even annoyed, I have to stop and realize that everything she does is out of love for me and for my son, her new grandchild. My parents have both been supportive and there is nothing better then seeing them with Elliott. Today was also the first day I left Elliott home. I had an interview, so he stayed with Aunt Tina. It's so strange to walk out the door and get into the car without him. After the interview I made a quick run to Publix, which was really strange without Elliott. I almost didn't know what to do with myself. It's definitely hard to think about returning to work and leaving him all day. But at least I am leaving him with grandma or Aunt Tina. This is one thing I have to do to provide for him and give him the best that I can. For now I am cherishing every day I get to spend with Elliott and all the days we get to spend with family and friends. Love is watching someone grow.

Growing

It is absolutely amazing to me that Elliott is growing so much so fast. Everyone said it would happen. And it has...right before my eyes. I swear sometimes he looks different in the morning then he did when we went to bed the night before. A little more hair, eyes a little more focused. Taller. Fatter. I took him to the pediatrician on Tuesday because he had a little rash that I started to panic about. Nothing to worry about, but I just had to make sure. He weighed 15 pounds 10.7 ounces. He has doubled in size since he was born. And all he eats is my milk. It's truly amazing. I could never have imagined how in awe I would be of him. Every moment is a moment of growth, of learning, of joy and love. For both of us. As much as he will learn from me in his life....I am learning twice as much from him. He is teaching me how to be a mommy, what it means to sacrifice, what happiness and love can really be, and so so much more. I am thankful everyday. I cannot say it enough.

Mom Groups

I am trying to be open minded about meeting other mom's and hanging out in "mom groups." I go to a nursing mom's group at Morton Plant, mommy and me yoga, and today I went to a different nursing mom's group at Mease Countryside. I think it's important for me to have connections with other moms and become part of some new social circles that involves other people with kids, but it's hard for me to be open to making new friends. I've been lucky to have a pretty amazing group of friends, some of which I have known since elementary school. I feel like we all know each other so well. Things just pick up right where they left off. Like when Juli came over today. I haven't seen her in over a year and it was like no time had passed. She got to meet Elliott and even with this big change in my life, things just fall right back into place. Meeting new people means having to open up and almost start over again. They don't know my background, my quirks, my likes and dislikes....etc, etc. But I am trying to be open minded. It may take some time, but I think Elliott and I will find our place. We'll meet some new people and I know we will both be better off for it.

Remembering

I just finished watching an episode of Parenthood. They had a new baby on the show and watching the birth scene had me bawling...in a good way. It's just so crazy to think that I did that. That I carried Elliott for 37 weeks and then went through labor and birth. I remember it well, but there is this part that I think your brain purposely blocks. It keeps us having babies. I know that I was scared and anxious and that there was pain, but I don't remember those things as much as I remember that moment of them putting him on me and seeing him for the first time. The overwhelming joy and love erases any memory of struggle or pain. I all of a sudden missed my pregnant belly so much. I loved being pregnant. Loved knowing that there was a baby growing inside me and that I was doing everything in my power to keep it safe and comfortable, despite my uncomfortableness sometimes. In some ways, it seems so surreal. And then I look over at this perfect little boy. And I remember. That was me. Pregnant. With him. We did that...Elliott and I together.

Single

A mom raising a child on her own is referred to as a single mom. I've come to have negative feelings about this label. Yeah I guess "single" means that I have no partner. No boyfriend. No husband. And that is true. But the reality is I am far from single. After all, single means one and one means alone. I have Elliott. I have my family. I have friends and support all around me. During this journey into mommyhood I have never felt single, or alone. We are surrounded by so much love and support that I cannot say that I am doing this on my own. So I have to think of a new category to put myself into. Have to think of a new way to describe my title. I am a mom. Single mom just doesn't work for me. I think it also bothers me that the phrase single mom carries a negative connotation and people often automatically feel sympathetic. I don't ever want people to feel sorry for me or think that I am asking for sympathy. I chose this and I love every moment with Elliott. I feel empowered by the things Elliott and I do together, like when we accomplish something like a trip to Publix. I feel proud. So I will have to keep thinking...because I just don't want the single label anymore.

Lazy

Today we were completely lazy. It was a rainy Sunday and Elliott and I spent most of the day napping on the couch. Of course we had some play time on the floor...got some great laughs and smiles..but it was just too gross out to go outside. I started noticing the other day that Elliott's cries are getting to be more purposeful and less random. Maybe I am just getting better at understanding what he is trying to communicate to me...hungry, bored, tired of being in the same position. Either way, as he approaches the 3 month mark, I definitely notice a difference with his cries. He is also starting to sleep through the night, waking up for a 12 or 12:30 feeding and then sleeping until the morning. It's nice, but I am still waking up constantly to check on him or just watch him. I love watching him sleep. And play. And smile. And laugh. And learn. The list is endless....I love everything about him.

Family

Today Elliott and I picked up grandma and went to the craft show in Tarpon. The weather is getting cooler and it's so nice to be able to walk outside without sweating so much. I carried Elliott as he slept in his wrap. We came to a booth where they were selling clay charms with names on them. My mom had gotten one for me years ago and we talked about how they probably wouldn't have one with his name spelled correctly. My mom reached down into the box marked "E" and picked up a charm. She held it out for me to see and there was Elliott's name. Of course we had to buy it. There were literally hundreds of charms in the box...and she picked out his name in seconds. It is the first thing I have gotten for him with his name printed on it. After the art show we headed to their house to get ready for the Gator game. Elliott and I ended up sleeping for two hours on the couch. He's been enjoying napping on my belly lately, stretched out with his legs on mine, his arms draped over my sides. Soon after we woke up, Steve, Tyler, David and Stephen showed up. Elliott is so lucky to have such amazing men in his life. We are both so thankful to have the family love and support that we have. Watching my mom and dad holding him and talking to him, watching how proud they are of me and him is amazing. The way it makes me feel is indescribable. This is by far the greatest thing I have ever done. 

Sleep

One of the first changes that came with pregnancy for me was a change in my sleep pattern. I used to be the up late, sleep late kind of person. But immediately, my body started to prepare me for being up with a baby. I slept lighter, having to get up every few hours to pee or eat a little snack. As my belly grew I was constantly tossing and turning. Sometimes waking up to the feeling of the little person inside kicking or moving. Restless nights and early mornings and yet I was still able to function pretty well...although I was overwhelmingly tired at times. And then Elliott arrived. I didn't sleep for days. Too scared to close my eyes. I just wanted to stare at him. Watch him breathe. I thought I might never sleep again and I was ok with that.  He slept so peacefully. His little belly barely moving up and down with each breath. Eventually, my eyes grew too heavy to stay awake any longer and I felt safe letting myself sleep knowing Elliott was close by. Now, our sleep is almost synchronized at night. He barely squirms next to me, gives out the slightest noise, and I am awake..sometimes just barely...but awake and ready to care for him. Sometimes he needs to eat, needs a diaper change, a hand on his belly or arm, his binky back in, or a quiet shhhhh. And then we're back to sleep. If only for a few hours for now.

Safety

I just finished reading an article called The Science of Attachment about attachment theory and bonding. "Attachment theory is based on the belief that the mother-child bond is the essential and primary force in infant development, and thus forms the basis of coping, negotiation of relationships, and personality development." From the moment I found out I was pregnant,  I felt this primal instinct to protect my little baby. I changed my diet, cut out caffeine, stopped smoking immediately, started yoga, and did everything I could to make sure that I was healthy and in turn making sure my baby was healthy. Before his birth, I knew that I wanted Elliott to remain close to me at all times while we were in the hospital and made this a very important part of my birth plan. And for these first 11 weeks, I have done my best to keep Elliott close to me, adopting an attached parenting lifestyle. My instincts just told me that this was the right thing to do. I love being able to keep him safe and help him feel safe by carrying him close to me in a sling or wrap, breastfeeding him on demand, and co-sleeping with him. I love the feeling it gives me to care for him and meet his needs, providing him with the foundation for a healthy and safe lifestyle.

Smiles

Elliott has been smiling so much lately. I started noticing his smiles when he was about one month old. They might have been just gas, but I believed they were on purpose and just for me. Now I am sure though, his smiles are purposeful and a reaction to pure joy. He smiles when his eyes focus on my face. He smiles when I lay him in his crib and I turn the knob on his mobile to make his "guys" turn. He smiles at my mom and my dad when they come into the room and say hi to him. He smiles at his bird sticker on the wall by his changing table and the Snoopy doll who leans down from the shelf above it. Sometimes when he smiles he makes a laughing sound. There is nothing that can brighten a room, warm my heart, and make me feel true love like the smile on the face of a happy baby. My happy baby.

Yoga

Today Elliott and I went to yoga. I started going when I was around 12 weeks pregnant and fell in love with it. I am certain that practicing yoga while pregnant was beneficial in so many ways. It was an hour and a half where I could focus all of my positive energy on the little person growing inside me. It was also a time for me to consciously relax my body and feel almost weightless as I focused on my breathing and controlling my muscles. After the Tuesday morning prenatal class, the new moms would always be waiting outside with their babies for the mommy and me class to start. I would look at them and try to imagine what it would be like to take my own baby to mommy and me yoga, what I would look like standing there with my baby. For all those weeks, it seemed so far off. And then two weeks ago, there I was. Managing a wiggly baby, my backpack and my yoga mat. It was so surreal to be there with him....and minus my big big belly. I was worried about whether he would cry the whole time. But he loved it. I know he recognized some of the music from his CD at home. He lay quietly wiggling on the end of my mat as I focused my breath and did the class. Today was our third time going and he was so amazing. He makes me proud and amazes me every day. I stared down at him and couldn't help but laugh out loud as he flashed his wide open mouth smile up at me. Now worries, no complaints. So lucky to be able to share this and so many other special moments with the amazing little boy.

Rocking

There is something so special about rocking a sleepy baby. When Elliott is really tired he will lay still in my arms with his eyes focused directly on mine. He stares at me as if trying to read my thoughts...understand my quiet whispering....learn the words to the songs I sing. He speaks to me in those moments. Telling me he is happy. Telling me he is content. His cheeks hang low with the weight of a long day. Arms crossed across his chest. His fingers doing their best to intertwine. The steady rocking makes my eyes start to close. But his stay wide. Focused. Understanding. Tonight we rocked like that for a long time. I was conscious of the moment and how amazing this little boy has made my life. I was aware of how much love a mom feels for her child. I was certain that nothing in the world is better then rocking a sleepy baby.

Friends

Today we had a nice visit with the McMullen family. I am always so thankful for the people in our lives who love and support us. When I first found out that I was pregnant, my joy was mixed with fear as I worried about how people my react to my decision. I knew my family would be supportive, but I wasn't sure how many of my friends would react. I quickly came to the realization that this big change in my life also meant that I would probably lose some people who knew me as a single girl without a baby and could not adjust to me with a baby. As I began to share my exciting news with people, I was thrilled to discover an enormous outpouring of love, support, and positive words. It really was amazing. I've been floating on a cloud since last November and now that it has been almost a whole year into this journey, I am still continually amazed. We are so lucky!!

Fall

Today the weather changed. It actually felt like Fall outside this morning. The air was crisp and cool and even the sky looked different. I absolutely love this weather. I dressed Elliott in his Gator onesie, white pants, and his first hoodie!!! I was thrilled to dress myself in new jeans (ok they are still maternity jeans...but they fit!!!!) and a long sleeve shirt and not sweat my face off. We loaded up and after a quick visit with the landlords we drove, windows down, to the arts and crafts store. There's something about this time of year that makes me feel crafty. I picked out a little pumpkin to carve for Elliott...a fake carvable one that he can put out every year. Next we made our way to grandma and grandpa's house where we found them outside putting up Halloween decorations and planting flowers. A long nap, dinner, a walk down the block with grandma and then back home for bedtime and some football. Fall is my favorite.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott. 

Nursing

At one point this morning I saw myself in the mirror holding Elliott in my left arm, brushing my teeth with my right. The microwave beeped letting me know the breast pump attachments and binky I had just put in to sterilize were done. I did a run through of the contents of the diaper bag in my head, glanced at the clock and realized I had 5 minutes to get out the door to make it to our Nursing Mother's group on time.  I stopped and smiled at myself, I was successfully multitasking like a "real" mom does. And damn I was good at it. Going to Nursing Mom's group was important to me since my journey into breastfeeding was FAR FAR from what I thought it would be. I imagined giving birth and having my baby crawl up to my breast and take its first taste of my milk. I knew the basics: good latch, different holds, wide mouth, tickling the lips with the nipple, etc. I did, after all go to a breastfeeding class. Nobody told me about bad latch, nipple pain, thrush, awkward holding of the baby, tense shoulders, nipple pain, swollen boobs, cracked nipples...it goes on. But I was committed. I would not give up. I sought help, got prescription ointment for my sore nipples, suffered through the pain, even cried through many feedings...because nursing Elliott meant so much to me. I HAD to get through it and do this very important thing for my baby. I believe it's the healthiest thing for him and me and I am proud of myself for sticking with it. Proud of him for making me do it.

We made it to group on time today. However the room was empty when we got there because there was no group today. Ok...so I thought I had it all together today. Whatever. We got to have a nice visit to the 3rd floor to visit Aunt Tina and the other nurses who were there to help with Elliott's birth. Then a nice lunch with grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Stephen at Taco Bell.

Rituals

While there were many things I knew I would kind of have to figure out as I went along, I knew one thing for sure...having a nighttime ritual was very important. I started it immediately by keeping the lights and activity level low starting around 6:30 in the evening. The evening begins with a bath. At first it was awkward to support this tiny, slippery little guy in a blue bath on the bathroom counter. After a couple of tries we both got the hang of it and bath time is now something I think we both look forward to. A dip in the sink to rinse off the extra soap and then a warm towel wrap. A bit of lotion and a quick leg and arm massage and then it's into a clean diaper and pajamas. Next we are rocking quietly, watching tv in the living room, or listening to quiet music in Elliott's room. This last feeding before bedtime is my favorite. He looks up at me and listens intently as I quietly relay the events of the day. His eyes wide as he tries to stay awake for just a little longer. Eventually his breathing becomes heavier. His eyes are tightly shut and I watch him sleep in my arms. Another day has gone by and we've settled in for another night together.

Good night. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.

Shots

Today was the first round of immunizations. I was concerned about injecting this perfect baby boy with any sort of medicine or disease or whatever they do. I was concerned for his future health. Concerned about negative side effects. Concerned I wasn't doing what was best for him. I ultimately decided..with a little help from Dr. Sears...that I would only give 2. And so there we were. The public health department. My mind was racing. I held him tight and let him suck a little before we were called in. The nurse started with the oral dose. She was patient. She wiped his mouth after each drop. Gave it slowly and reassured me that it tasted sweet. He didn't cry. I held my breath as she reached for the needle for the second dose. As she stuck him, Elliott gave out a little shriek and suddenly the tears started to flow. Mine. I felt guilty and immediately questioned my decision. He fell asleep in the car and then slept peacefully as mom and I ate lunch. I watched him sleep that afternoon at home. Couldn't take my eyes off him. Rocked him and patted him. And other then a little extra sleeping...things appear to be fine. Keeping this little boy safe is my job and putting him purposely in danger (even if it is for his ultimate safety) did not feel right at all. Exhale.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you Elliott.